Oh okay, we only need double the amount of signatures we have on the ‘Stop the Drone Strikes’ Petition by December 9th in order for it to be recognized. Let me make this clear:
- There are 11,001 signatures on a petition to require President Obama to allow the Public Examination of his birth certificate and university records.
- There are 18,296 signatures on a petition requesting general secession by the states that have requested it so that they may form their own country.
- There are 25,770 signatures on a petition calling for the deportation of the individuals who signed any of the secession petitions.
- There are 30,493 signatures on a petition to federally legalize marijuana.
- There are 38,656 signatures on a petition requesting the impeachment of the president on the grounds of Obamacare.
- There are 44,334 signatures on a petition to repeal Obamacare because it is ‘killing jobs and the middle class’.
- There are 64,340 signatures on a petition calling for a re-count of the 2012 presidential election.
- There are 118,221 signatures on petition requesting peaceful Texas secession.
I am sick. Our country can unite with shining colors on matters of discrimination against the president, legalization of getting high, barring healthcare from people who need it, and throwing hissy fits about the election and threatening to leave the country, but we can’t quite decide on the importance of calling off a sloppy, ineffective, inhumane military tactic that murders hundreds of women and children civilians with the click of a button. Good on you, America.
Posted 11/30/12 @ 4:03 PM
Wow. Well that sucked, didn’t it?
I know how you’re feeling, and I don’t mean that in a condescending, mock-sympathy, shoulder-rub way. I really do. On a brisk November night in 2004 I lit a candle at my college’s chapel and despaired precisely the way you are now. I remember all too well that pit of dread in my stomach and the disbelieving heat flushing my cheeks. I get it, I really do, and I’m sorry about that. Kind of.
Now it’s the days after. All us liberals are walking around with huge grins, holding doors for people, and being all cheery and spry. Even our hangovers taste sweet.
Despite all this, the election produced some very good news for you.
What is it? That the Republican Party—in its current form—is dead. Its heart monitor is screaming “BEEEEEEEE” in flatline and no matter how hard you pound on its chest you’re not bringing it back to life. Step back from the gurney, wipe the sweat from your brow, look at your watch and call it: time of death, 1:50 p.m., November 6, 2012. Why is this good news?
Yesterday’s Republican Party had become diseased with anachronistic, extremist, jingoistic, and xenophobic ideology. It was infected by the Tea Party, the religious right, and the Koch Brothers. The Party was no longer the moderate, dignified, intellectual conservatism of yore, championed by well-educated members of the middle class. It had mutated into the party of people who protest outside post offices with handwritten protest signs declaring Obama a Muslim “socalist” and that English should be our official “langauguage.” In short, your Grand Old Party poisoned its grand old self.
Do not mourn its passing though. The death of yesterday’s Republican Party was necessary to ensure tomorrow’s Republican Party is a viable political movement for the future. That movement must embody fiscal—not social—conservatism, small egalitarian government, and responsible free markets. Lastly and most importantly, base your political ideology on solid data, statistics, and reason, NOT fear, jingoism, and bigotry.
Look to sane conservatives—the Log Cabin Republicans, the Megan McCains, the John Hunstmans, even the Chris Christies. Approach political discourse like adults, not petulant children. Leave religion and your Bible totally and completely out of it—as per your favorite document, the U.S. Constitution.
The right-wing blogs are aflutter—this country is doomed, they say. America just died. In a sense, they’re right. The country they wanted, their ideal America, the country of backwards social policies where gay weddings will ruin your marriage and weed is bad mkay and women can’t look after their own bodies and anybody with dark skin is probably stealing shit be it TVs or jobs—that bizarre notion of America is dead.
What these people don’t get, and what they’ll never get, is that America’s laws and politics should always reflect the desires of the majority of its populace, and the majority of its populace isn’t interested in their version of America.
These people will never adapt to the changing times. They will prop up the party’s corpse and scream louder, spittle flying as they rage about the death of our Constitution, the sanctity of marriage, of God’s rape-given gifts. They will insist “Obama Hussein’s” reelection means WAR, dammit, REVOLUTION. When this happens—and it already is—here’s what you do:
Tell them to Fuck. Right. Off.
Why am I telling you this? Why tip my liberal hand and give you advice? Because we—the Democrats—we need you.
I know, that sounds weird. The liberals reading this just choked on their soy lattes. But I’m serious. We need a reasonable counterpoint, an opposing view, a dissenting opinion. When you challenge our ideas with sound argument it will force us to make them stronger. The arguments of yesterday’s Republican Party were not sound, and the electorate knew it. Democrats didn’t so much win this election as the GOP lost it.
If you want to stick to your old ideology, we liberals take great pleasure in thumping you again. If you don’t think we can, remember you’ve lost the popular vote five out of the last six elections, and your demographic is only getting worse.
So please. Realize that yesterday’s Republican Party sucked. Light its funeral pyre and say a few words as it burns. Then from its ashes, rebuild it to the respectable party it once was.
Much love, if you can believe it,
Your (liberal) fellow American
—From A Liberal’s Letter to Conservatives
Posted 11/19/12 @ 1:04 PM
There is a petition for almost every state to secede from the United States, a request for a Heisman endorsement, and a call to re-do the election. The petitions that are informed and should be taken seriously are getting no attention at all. Yay, Americans.
Posted 11/13/12 @ 6:33 PM
(The White House has opened a ‘We the People’ section to its government website, which allows citizens/residents to create a petition and garner signatures. If a petition reaches 25,000 signatures within the 30-day limit, the President is supposed to comment on it.)
Did we all learn not to gripe about the electoral vs popular vote before all ballots were counted tonight? Good.
Posted 11/7/12 @ 1:24 AM